Moving Forward... Finally

The past couple of days since my tests and biopsies have been agony. Just waiting for something to happen while I have a deadly tumor (tumors??!) inside me has put me into a state of permanent panic attack. I feel like there is a black widow spider sitting on my chest, and there is a team of doctors just sitting around me, casually assuring me that it won't bite. Telling me to just relax, that it takes time to deal with these things properly. I'm flailing around, doing the icky-icky dance, and nobody will get this damn thing off of me.

Finally this morning my surgeon, Dr. Weber, called me with the results of the new biopsies. The larger area turned out to just be a benign fibroadenoma, so totally fine. The smaller area was pre-cancerous "atypical" cells, so not cancer, but could become cancer over time (not cool). The surgeon told me that they could remove the small new area along with the original tumor, and I told her that this recent scare that I have multiple tumors has really made me terrified and that I was thinking about just going for a full double mastectomy. She said that was definitely an option, but that we'd then have to coordinate the surgery with the plastic surgeon and that may not be a quick process. I had already set up a consult for this afternoon with Dr. Gannon, the plastic surgeon whom I'd been seeing for treatment of my silly spider veins... she just so happens to be *the* breast reconstruction surgeon in the area. Dr. Weber said that if I spoke with Dr. Gannon and she felt she could make this happen on Tuesday, my original surgery day, then this could all happen next week. It becomes a bit complicated to get the necessary OR time, as well as two busy surgeons, all put together in such a short period of time. I had a feeling there would be more nightmarish waiting in my future, but I was ready to get down on my knees and beg Dr. Gannon to help me if I had to.

My consult with Dr. Gannon was wonderful. She told me she thought I was making the best choice and that she thought I would have a very cosmetic outcome after reconstruction. She said that the recovery can be up to 4 weeks and would be pretty painful, and that most women cry afterwards when it becomes real that they've lost their nipples and all sensation in their breasts. This really hit me... losing a part of my body would not be easy, but I am so filled with terror that I'm going to get more cancer, that I just need them gone. Even just the thought of going every 6 months for endless MRIs, mammograms, ultrasounds.... having every little spot being jabbed with a needle, then waiting for results... I can't do it. I told her that I really like my boobs, but that I was not willing to die for them. She assured me that she would get ahold of Dr. Weber and figure out a way to get the surgery scheduled for next Tuesday, or maybe Wednesday if things had to be juggled around a bit. I was so grateful that she was willing to make this happen so quickly for me! I felt giddy that after all this waiting, we were finally going to do something about this very soon. I drove home thinking, "Is it weird that I'm so excited to get my boobs cut off?".

So I didn't hear back about a definite plan this evening since it was Friday at 4:30 when I left her office, but Dr. Gannon's secretary assured me that if not tonight, I'd get a call Monday morning with a final plan. My mom and stepdad are planning to come to town tomorrow and stay through most of next week to help me out, which is huge. I am so, so lucky to have family and friends who are sticking by my through all this.

I'm still trying to figure out how to talk to Ashlyn about this. I just know it's going to terrify her no matter how hard I try to make it sound like no big deal. She is so sensitive and so attached to me. Even just being gone for an overnight for my surgery is going to stress her out. I'll have to keep thinking and reading about this.

So now I'm going to try to relax and enjoy Easter weekend as much as possible. My girlies were so cute tonight at our neighborhood Easter Egg Hunt. They are so worth all this pain I will have to get through to be here for them!