I'm Practically Angelina Jolie

You get to a point where you just think, Really? How much more could possibly go wrong here?

Yesterday was Monday. I woke up expecting to get a phone call telling me that my double mastectomy/reconstruction would be happening either that Tuesday or Wednesday. Instead, I got a call that the two surgeons were both incredibly busy and that the soonest they could get together to get me to surgery was NEXT THURSDAY, April 16th. Next. Freaking. Thursday. I panicked. I freaked out. It wasn't pretty. I called the surgical schedulers for both doctors, basically crying and begging them to help me get this done this week. They were very nice and very sorry, but there was just no way they could make this happen sooner. Nope. Not gonna happen.

So, my mom and stepdad left to go back to Cape Cod today, and will return next Wednesday as I prepare to actually go have my surgery. They'll stay with me for a few days to help out after surgery and stay with the girls while we're in the hospital for the overnight on Thursday. I'm extremely upset that they have to leave and come back, but very grateful that they're being awesome about doing anything and everything we need right now.

After they left, Ashlyn was just hanging out with me on the couch and I called Kevin into the room. Shayla was at daycare and the house was quiet. All of a sudden, at that moment, it seemed like it was time to talk to Ashlyn about what was going on. I've been reading about how to talk about this honestly so kids understand without knowing too much. She's such a smart kid and I know all of our whispering and worrying must be getting through to her somehow. I told her that I had a boo-boo in my breast and it has a scary name -- cancer. But this cancer was very, very tiny and I was going to have an operation to get it taken out. Then I would have some special medicine to make sure all of the cancer was completely gone. This medicine would do something silly - it would make my hair fall out. We talked about Mommy wearing some pretty hats, scarves and wigs for awhile and giggled about Ashlyn helping me pick out what to wear and maybe putting some temporary tattoos on my head to make it pretty. We talked about the fact that the surgery would make my chest very sore for awhile, and the chemo would make me have times when I was very tired and needed to rest by myself. Daddy and our other friends and family would be here to help out when Mommy wasn't feeling well, so she and Shayla would still get to do all their normal things and have lots of fun this summer. I told her that it's okay to cry and be sad, that Mommy was sad too, but that we would all be strong and brave and get through this together. I reassured her that I was NOT going to die and that all my doctors said I'm going to be completely fine. She cried and hugged me for a few minutes and then we were getting ready to go to the park and she was fine. I'm sure this topic will come up many more times, but for now, it seems like she's going to be very resilient about this and handle it well. I was extremely shocked that I managed to get through this conversation without crying, but somehow I did, and I think that helped her to feel like it was going to be okay.

I spent the day today with Ashlyn, going to the playground and trying to just relax. When we got home from picking up Shayla, Kevin had the phone in his hand and told me the genetic counselor from Dana Farber was on the phone. I went upstairs to talk with her and she told me what I had already somehow known - that I have a BRCA-1 mutation. I'm what they call "BRCA positive", exactly like Angelina Jolie, who just recently had her breasts and ovaries removed for this same reason. This means that I have a mutation in the gene that protects me from getting breast and ovarian cancer. Now I not only need the double mastectomy that I had already decided to have, but at some point in the near future, I will also need my ovaries removed because I have a very high risk of also developing ovarian cancer. I've been having (what I hope are irrational) fears in the last few days that I have an ovarian tumor already, so I immediately contacted my OB office and told them I wanted an ovarian ultrasound ASAP. They were able to schedule that for next Monday. So now, we wait and hope and pray that my ovaries are normal and this once again goes back to "just" the one original breast tumor.

Because I have this gene, my sister and mom also need to be screened for this. There is also a 50/50 chance that each of my girls has it as well - they either got the bad gene from me, or the good gene from Kevin. As a parent, there is nothing worse than thinking that you could have something bad that you've passed onto your kids. All you want is to give them the very best of you -- not something so incredibly harmful and painful. If they have the bad gene, they could need prophylactic surgeries when they become adults. Maybe in 20 years when this would impact them, there will be better technology. We can only hope.

Now I continue to wait. I'm taking this next week off from work until I have surgery just to try to get mentally and physically ready for surgery, and spend extra time with the girls. I just feel too stressed and distracted to be effective as a doctor right now.

The outpouring of love and support we're receiving has been incredible. Thank you to all of you who are following my story and praying for me!

 

At the park today with my 5-year-old beauty, Ashlyn, after telling her about Mommy's cancer.

Kids are so incredibly resilient!